In parenting, the limits seem to be hit fairly often. The feeling of “I can’t take any more” hits you hard and fast and there is no true way to convey this feeling to little kids. Big kids kind of get it. Sometimes. And when they really, really want to. But I have found, in my own experience of raising four children, that my declarations of “I can’t take it anymore!” rarely have the full impact I’m seeking. The impact that makes them pause in what they’re doing. Noise, chaos, confusion, mess, whatever. My words fail me and they fail them too.

I have finally found, after a full 12 + years of parenting - over 35 years of collective parenting if you add up all the ages - that if I want them to pause, I must pause first. You might be saying “Duh.” But for me it was a hard fought lesson learned.

So here’s my technique which is good in prevention and good in the moment too… Feet shoulder width apart pressed solidly down into the ground or floor - standing or sitting. Timer set for 1 minute. 60 measley seconds. Eyes closed. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat until the timer rings.

It works wonders. It brings me down to a sane state. It pauses the chaos. It slows everything down physically, mentally and emotionally too. And it sends the kids the message more so than any technique I have tried before. And from that point we can either begin our conversation anew, or move onto something completely different. Our choice.

One minute that can change your whole world. And your family’s world too.

Recently, I saw a commercial on TV where a mom and a kid were “baking” together for Christmas. Traditional Christmas music in the background, mother-daughter bonding, really playing at your heartstrings. What were they baking, you ask? They were removing pre-molded cookie dough rounds from the packaging and placing them on a baking sheet. As anyone who was born before 1980 knows, making cookies from scratch takes a half an hour, tops. I worry, is this kid going to grow up thinking this is what it means to bake?

The world is a fast place, filled with stuff and shortcuts. So I guess it makes sense that Christmas would reflect that. The trouble is, we’re all a little broke from living this way, and the planet is groaning from last year’s stocking stuffers. And we’re teaching our children that shortcuts are as good as the real thing. And that having cookies is the same as making them.  So what if this year, instead of spending time at the mall buying family and friends stuff they may not even like, I stay home and bake cookies with them instead?

And so it was that I embarked on my Slow Christmas journey. I am chronicling the annual rituals honestly, from Black Friday to the after Christmas sales. I’ll be taking a closer look at our motives, and the motives of the companies who are selling us stuff, and asking if there might be a better way to keep Christmas. The Christmas season means something different to each of us, but what it shouldn’t mean is endless errands and a second mortgage. We need to slow down Christmas, and start enjoying it.

I hope you’ll join me, dear Slow Planeteers, in pledging to give an experience, a donation, or something homemade for Christmas this year. Keep Christmas Slow.

There’s a lot of talk these days about overparenting and the need to back off a bit on the overload of it all. I totally appreciate this idea and am definitely an advocate for less is more when it comes to parenting. Less scheduling. Less homework. Less words. Less worry. Sometimes even less input from me, the mom, to them, the children. When I remember this as a parent, we are better off as a family most all of the time.

When it comes to building connection however, there is no doubt for me that more is more. If we’re at home and together, I’m a fan of turning off the phones, the computer and definitely the t.v. in an effort to clear the way for truly seeing, hearing and feeling each other’s presence. If we’re out with a crowd I love the feeling of making a spiritual connection as a family. It can come from a nod, a gesture, or even the feeling of being apart and then coming back together from it all. Even the times we’re rushing from thing to thing, to school, to an event, to an engagement or a class, I am all for slowing down for just a moment and catching sight of the fact that we are all in this together. If one of us can remember to pause in our craziness and there is a “wow, this is nutty!” uttered, it gives us a momentary connection that we feel on an almost cellular level and lets us know we are all on the same team. Sure we all need alone time, that I say without a glimmer of doubt in my mind. But to me alone feels way better when the connections are strong.

What is slow family looks different in every household. I believe the barometer needs be set by each family as we ask the question on a regular basis, “is this working for us?” It has definitely become my mantra as our family navigates our days and years together. If it is working, we are feeling connected. If it is not, there is disconnect.

When we live family life according to someone else’s dictate, in a way that doesn’t resonate with our own selves,  we walk in self doubt. When we pause long enough to connect with ourselves and find out what we really want, when we slow down long enough to connect with our family, from there we can find the joy in even the insanity of it all. Now and for the rest of our time together.

I am thankful so many people are giving thought to family life. I am thankful the media is catching on to the idea that something’s got to give. I am hopeful that in all of this talk each family will find the level of connection and comfort that works for them on a deep and powerful and lifelong level.

I went on a four day camp out last weekend with my husband and four kiddos and 7 other families. 16 kids and 15 adults total on a group campout about 2 hours from downtown Austin, TX. Once we arrived at the park, we still had an 8 mile drive into the campsite via a dusty, gravel road which beckoned Lucinda Williams’ song on the stereo… “car wheels on a gravel road…”

Among the many beauties of this park and the particular group campsite we chose were the lower Colorado river, cold springs, plentiful pecans and live oaks for every climbing ability, lucsious trails to hike and a beautiful rocky cliff which caught all kinds of amazing light throughout the day. But perhaps the biggest beauty and the most amazing gift was the lack of cell phone reception as in none, nada, zero, zilch. None of the phones be them of the I variety of the flip kind, got any kind of service whatsoever.  Which was funny in a way because in that night sky out there in the middle of not much at all, we were actually able to see the satellites among the stars which brought so many services our way.

The initial feeling was a little “oh no” I admit. And a quick cataloging of all the things that would not be do-able without a phone. But what could be done about it. Nothing at all really. So all electronic devices were powered off completely and with the lack of communication ability also went, for many of us, the lack of being able to tell just what time it was. So there we were, in a timelessness, with people we love and know and wanted to know better.

So out there in that big vast group campsite, amongst all of natures amazing loveliness, with S’mores and more by the fire, with all those friends and all those kids and all that time stretching out before us, we had nothing to do but connect. With each other. With our kids. With ourselves. With our partners. And of course with nature too.

It made me think that we could create this similar feeling of presence whenever we wanted by simply turning off the phone and tuning into the people right by our sides. And the nature all around us. And the stars above us. And the thoughts inside our own heads. Without distraction or disruption. Bring it on. I am so darn ready. And I think my kids are too.

Are you ready for a little presence in your world?

This time of year always puts me in a pondering sort of pensive state. Especially in regards to our family life at home. Summer time feels naturally slow and it is a time when we naturally spend much time together without a lot of distraction. Fall however, the family connection must be more intentional and dare I say it even scheduled in.

With kiddos back in school there are lots more birthday parties and school functions and play date requests - all this on top of the 8 hour day in school. If we signed on for everything we’d be running around non-stop dropping one kid off here and another there while one of us attended one meeting or committee or another.

In order to avoid such a state of living, we have set some loose rules in place for how we want it all to look and feel.

• When asked to be on a board or committee, we never answer right away. We take the question home and discuss and weigh out our commitment to the cause and the sustainability of the decision to join. Is it twice a week at dinner time? Does the committee actually get stuff done or are they just fans of meetings? Does it work for us?
• When invited to a party, again we take it home. Are they a friend or just an acquaintance? Do we EVER play with this person? If we had a party would they be on our list? It may sound crass but honestly I feel that modern day parties are sometimes a mass collection of whoever they can think of to invite. Not necessarily an invite out of a deep connection. Or even a mild connection. Also we ask, what will this look like for the rest of the family? In other words, does it work for us?
• School activities seem to happen on a very regular basis. Fairs, carnivals, dinners out, etc. Sure we’re fans of building community but we have to ask ourselves before we attend, are we up for a public outing? Should we focus that night on building community or building family connection or maybe even on getting more sleep? Are we fit for public consumption or are we too distracted? Too overwhelmed? Too tired? Too disconnected?
• Playdates are a regular request. We have limited these to one or two a week depending on what’s happening at home and school. And we try to schedule them ahead of time just for ease of family structure.
• Weekends are too short and I’ve often said three days would serve family life way better. There’d be a day for family incubation, a day for socializing and a day for chores and errands. But they’re not, they’re only 2 days usually so we guard them very intently. We TRY to make sure that every weekend we have one day with nothing on the schedule. It feels way more spacious to all of us if we have a day to do with what we want: hang in the yard, go for a day trip, get stuff done, etc. It doesn’t ALWAYS work but mostly it does.

I guess the question that dictates most of what we do and dont’ do is “Does it work for us as a family?” That one question alone has a LOT of information in it and we often find great satisfaction in the answers.

Slow parenting was given a nod today on US National Television as part of a segment on slowing down during a recession. The recession has brought lots of attention to the idea of slowing down because, while some people are choosing it, still others are being forced into it.

At Slow Family Living we get asked quite often if we started this whole thing in response to the recession. A resounding no is the answer to that question but we do see how offering the tools may have a different place than we originally thought. As the recession continues we find we are talking to more and more people who just don’t even know where to begin. I think those that find the cause because they are seeking out the change are easy to help. A few simple tools and they are well on their way. The willingness and desire perhaps being the larger part of the battle to slow things down.

Those that come reluctantly however because of job loss or cut in pay or just increase in the cost of living, need a lot more hand holding. They are swirling a bit from the whole concept of slowing down, which seems so anathema to their normal way of experiencing family life.

To them I say start now. Because now is the only thing we have truly got. Start by looking your family members in the eye. Start by scheduling a day at home. Start by shutting down the tv and computer and ipods when you are all at home. Start by reading a book aloud to each other. Start by playing a game or dancing or singing together. Start small. And just that small bit of connection and fun will be a bit more than you would have had if you didn’t start at all.

You don’t have to change your whole life. Just change how you’re doing it today.

The rain here in Austin, TX started up early this morning as just a drizzle. It was one of those mornings that never quite got light but all the green that was bursting with springtime took on a kind of phosphorescent glow lighting up the sky in a sort of mystical way. All day long, in intermittent bursts, the skies would go from drizzle to full on downpour, and then back to drizzle again. It was fairly warm too, long sleeve shirt weather, so it wasn’t the kind of day that made one shiver from it all. Rather it just made me want to watch it all unfold from the comforts of my own home. And that was what I got to do.

As a mother of four I don’t often get to be home alone but today, in all this rain and in all this glorious greenness of spring and darkness of a rainy day and purple of a stormy sky, I got to be home, all day, working. All alone. Slow doesn’t even begin to explain how I felt on this amazing day of color and rain working from my own kitchen table in the quietness of just one body at home. All alone.

And on Friday afternoon when everyone returned home from their various points - school and work and an urban farm and a friend’s house, the gift of hard rain presented itself yet again. Our plans of an evening gather in the park with friends were canceled and instead we made dough for pizza and spent the afternoon just hanging out in the kitchen. Intermittently reading, listening to music, playing, um, even having a few little arguments in there too from the decompression of it all. But we were all home our family of six in the noise of 6 bodies all at home. Just us.

We had an unusually busy weekend planned this weekend with soccer games and a birthday party and an anniversary celebration too. But they were all planned for outdoors. And the deluge that came today with more promised tonight and still more expected all day tomorrow, meant that every. single. plan. was. canceled. And so we will be home alone again. With the unexpected gift of a day without any plans.

When we plan such spacious weekends, they’re for sure fun. Time for a little settling and a bit of familial incubation. When they are presented like this however, as a sort of gift, they are positively magical. And we all settle into the homeness, knowing that it’s all us and only us. All Weekend. All alone.

Hurray! We say as we hunker down in the kitchen or on the screened in porch with a book or blocks or a baby doll to play with. Hurray for the gift of rain!

I am often asked this question by parents in our workshops and teleclasses. I think sometimes they know the answer in their hearts but they want the answer to be laid out in a tangible format that they can absorb with their minds as well.  When they hear this equation I can often see the exhale of relief, as if, they now can slow down with good solid reason.  With this information in hand, body, mind and spirit can come together and do the things necessary to slow down, connect and truly enjoy family life.

This equation comes from our Slow Family Living workbook which you can download for free from our site. We offer a Slow Family teleclass too which serves as a guiding hand to walk you through the process of finding ways to slow down that work for YOU and your family. We’d love for you to join us.

And now, the answer to the question above…

The Benefits of Slowing Down
When you slow family life down you’re able to stay more resourced.
When you are more resourced you are more present.
When you are more present you are more tuned in to your own needs and
the needs of everyone in the family.
When you are more tuned in to the needs of each individual everyone feels seen.
When everyone feels seen everyone feels safe.
When everyone feels safe there is harmony.
When there is harmony there is more love, more connection, more ease,
more fun and more joy.
When there is more love, connection, ease, fun and joy there’s more desire to be
together as a family.

That’s often a question that comes up in our house of four children and two adults and was brought to mind by a recent article in the NY Times about spending time together with your kids.It took me a long time to learn that what my kids (and my partner and myself) really want is a feeling of connection and we’ll take it in all its forms.

It took me a long time to realize that what my 6 year old was seeking when she was whining about me going out the door or about her little brother getting more (of whatever) or not getting to go to the store as all her other siblings get to do, all the time, everyday and then some - what she was really seeking was a little connection. I have a new game with her and I play it often when I see her spiraling into this place of “not enough”. I pause. Settle myself. I sit down on the floor, criss-cross style, and I put her in front of me, face to face, and I hold her shoulders and stare into her eyes. Really and truly. I make goofy faces or blank faces or loving faces or whatever face seems to be matching her energy at the time, and we stare into each other’s eyes. Sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for 2. And when she is full, she hops up and runs away back to whatever she was doing before or onto whatever new game she wants to enter.

It took me a long time to learn that what she was seeking was my attention - full on, undeterred, loving gaze and attention and relaxed, present connection. And when she gets it she feels fully sated.

It took me a long time to learn too that a full on crazy weekend of plans and errands and parties and all of us together doing it all, definitely does not fill us up. At all. Any of us. Instead at the end of that we feel crazed and a bit cranky and oddly underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time.

If we have a day of that however, and then a day or an afternoon even of slow connection, we can return to the world on Monday morning feeling full up and completely sated.

I like the parties. My kids do too. I like the hanging out all together getting everything done that needs to get done. But I’ve got to mix that up with a little slow, relaxed time too because if I don’t, everyone feels cheated. Myself included.

What’s your take on the matter? I’d love to know.

There is much talk in a mother’s world about the ability to multi-task. For many years I was quite proud of it myself and wore it like a band of my mothering prowess. "See me? I can sweep, nurse a baby, read a book to my 5 year old and meet my magazine deadline - all at the same time." I laughed with other mothers I knew about how much we were able to get done compared to our multi-tasking challenged mates who slowly (but seemingly joyfully) muddled through one task at a time.

When my youngest and fourth child was born, he was quick to point out in all his infant wisdom that my multi-tasking just wasn’t going to fly. I nursed him but he didn’t gain weight. I sat in bed even, for the first 2 weeks of his life, and still he didn’t seem to be getting what he needed.

My midwife came over one afternoon while I "did nothing but sat in bed nursing," and she laughed at the craziness that ensued. While I "sat" and nursed, I also went over multiplication tables with my 9 year old and did sewing cards with my 5 year old and manuevered the robot’s screws for my 7 year old. I wasn’t actually just sitting. I wasn’t actually just nursing. In fact I wasn’t actually "just" doing any of the things I was doing and the end result was that nobody, including myself, was sated or satisfied. Instead, everyone felt short-shifted, nobody was full and it left everyone wanting more, including my 2 week old boy.

Through my midwife’s eyes I was able to see the insanity of it all and from then on made a conscious effort at my new method of "uni-tasking". I looked in my baby’s eyes when I nursed him. I focused on the sewing and reading and recitations and writing. I told them of my new plan and to them it made perfect sense as in a sort of, "duh Mom" kind of way.

There is scientific evidence that true multi-tasking is fairly impossible. I didn’t need a scientist to tell me that though, I needed a 2 week old baby who only needed me to do nothing else but look into his eyes for a few minutes, a few times a day. Of course my children sometimes get aggravated that I can’t give them the attention they want right away, and I sometimes get frustrated at having to wait my own turn, but in the big picture everyone appreciates the energy and focus they do get when it’s their turn. And oddly enough, it doesn’t really take any MORE time, it just takes focused time.

So, to new moms and old moms everywhere I say, MULTI-TASKING IS A MYTH!!! Uni-tasking is what fills us; body, mind and soul.