In parenting, the limits seem to be hit fairly often. The feeling of “I can’t take any more” hits you hard and fast and there is no true way to convey this feeling to little kids. Big kids kind of get it. Sometimes. And when they really, really want to. But I have found, in my own experience of raising four children, that my declarations of “I can’t take it anymore!” rarely have the full impact I’m seeking. The impact that makes them pause in what they’re doing. Noise, chaos, confusion, mess, whatever. My words fail me and they fail them too.

I have finally found, after a full 12 + years of parenting - over 35 years of collective parenting if you add up all the ages - that if I want them to pause, I must pause first. You might be saying “Duh.” But for me it was a hard fought lesson learned.

So here’s my technique which is good in prevention and good in the moment too… Feet shoulder width apart pressed solidly down into the ground or floor - standing or sitting. Timer set for 1 minute. 60 measley seconds. Eyes closed. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat until the timer rings.

It works wonders. It brings me down to a sane state. It pauses the chaos. It slows everything down physically, mentally and emotionally too. And it sends the kids the message more so than any technique I have tried before. And from that point we can either begin our conversation anew, or move onto something completely different. Our choice.

One minute that can change your whole world. And your family’s world too.

Recently, I saw a commercial on TV where a mom and a kid were “baking” together for Christmas. Traditional Christmas music in the background, mother-daughter bonding, really playing at your heartstrings. What were they baking, you ask? They were removing pre-molded cookie dough rounds from the packaging and placing them on a baking sheet. As anyone who was born before 1980 knows, making cookies from scratch takes a half an hour, tops. I worry, is this kid going to grow up thinking this is what it means to bake?

The world is a fast place, filled with stuff and shortcuts. So I guess it makes sense that Christmas would reflect that. The trouble is, we’re all a little broke from living this way, and the planet is groaning from last year’s stocking stuffers. And we’re teaching our children that shortcuts are as good as the real thing. And that having cookies is the same as making them.  So what if this year, instead of spending time at the mall buying family and friends stuff they may not even like, I stay home and bake cookies with them instead?

And so it was that I embarked on my Slow Christmas journey. I am chronicling the annual rituals honestly, from Black Friday to the after Christmas sales. I’ll be taking a closer look at our motives, and the motives of the companies who are selling us stuff, and asking if there might be a better way to keep Christmas. The Christmas season means something different to each of us, but what it shouldn’t mean is endless errands and a second mortgage. We need to slow down Christmas, and start enjoying it.

I hope you’ll join me, dear Slow Planeteers, in pledging to give an experience, a donation, or something homemade for Christmas this year. Keep Christmas Slow.

There’s a lot of talk these days about overparenting and the need to back off a bit on the overload of it all. I totally appreciate this idea and am definitely an advocate for less is more when it comes to parenting. Less scheduling. Less homework. Less words. Less worry. Sometimes even less input from me, the mom, to them, the children. When I remember this as a parent, we are better off as a family most all of the time.

When it comes to building connection however, there is no doubt for me that more is more. If we’re at home and together, I’m a fan of turning off the phones, the computer and definitely the t.v. in an effort to clear the way for truly seeing, hearing and feeling each other’s presence. If we’re out with a crowd I love the feeling of making a spiritual connection as a family. It can come from a nod, a gesture, or even the feeling of being apart and then coming back together from it all. Even the times we’re rushing from thing to thing, to school, to an event, to an engagement or a class, I am all for slowing down for just a moment and catching sight of the fact that we are all in this together. If one of us can remember to pause in our craziness and there is a “wow, this is nutty!” uttered, it gives us a momentary connection that we feel on an almost cellular level and lets us know we are all on the same team. Sure we all need alone time, that I say without a glimmer of doubt in my mind. But to me alone feels way better when the connections are strong.

What is slow family looks different in every household. I believe the barometer needs be set by each family as we ask the question on a regular basis, “is this working for us?” It has definitely become my mantra as our family navigates our days and years together. If it is working, we are feeling connected. If it is not, there is disconnect.

When we live family life according to someone else’s dictate, in a way that doesn’t resonate with our own selves,  we walk in self doubt. When we pause long enough to connect with ourselves and find out what we really want, when we slow down long enough to connect with our family, from there we can find the joy in even the insanity of it all. Now and for the rest of our time together.

I am thankful so many people are giving thought to family life. I am thankful the media is catching on to the idea that something’s got to give. I am hopeful that in all of this talk each family will find the level of connection and comfort that works for them on a deep and powerful and lifelong level.

I went on a four day camp out last weekend with my husband and four kiddos and 7 other families. 16 kids and 15 adults total on a group campout about 2 hours from downtown Austin, TX. Once we arrived at the park, we still had an 8 mile drive into the campsite via a dusty, gravel road which beckoned Lucinda Williams’ song on the stereo… “car wheels on a gravel road…”

Among the many beauties of this park and the particular group campsite we chose were the lower Colorado river, cold springs, plentiful pecans and live oaks for every climbing ability, lucsious trails to hike and a beautiful rocky cliff which caught all kinds of amazing light throughout the day. But perhaps the biggest beauty and the most amazing gift was the lack of cell phone reception as in none, nada, zero, zilch. None of the phones be them of the I variety of the flip kind, got any kind of service whatsoever.  Which was funny in a way because in that night sky out there in the middle of not much at all, we were actually able to see the satellites among the stars which brought so many services our way.

The initial feeling was a little “oh no” I admit. And a quick cataloging of all the things that would not be do-able without a phone. But what could be done about it. Nothing at all really. So all electronic devices were powered off completely and with the lack of communication ability also went, for many of us, the lack of being able to tell just what time it was. So there we were, in a timelessness, with people we love and know and wanted to know better.

So out there in that big vast group campsite, amongst all of natures amazing loveliness, with S’mores and more by the fire, with all those friends and all those kids and all that time stretching out before us, we had nothing to do but connect. With each other. With our kids. With ourselves. With our partners. And of course with nature too.

It made me think that we could create this similar feeling of presence whenever we wanted by simply turning off the phone and tuning into the people right by our sides. And the nature all around us. And the stars above us. And the thoughts inside our own heads. Without distraction or disruption. Bring it on. I am so darn ready. And I think my kids are too.

Are you ready for a little presence in your world?

This time of year always puts me in a pondering sort of pensive state. Especially in regards to our family life at home. Summer time feels naturally slow and it is a time when we naturally spend much time together without a lot of distraction. Fall however, the family connection must be more intentional and dare I say it even scheduled in.

With kiddos back in school there are lots more birthday parties and school functions and play date requests - all this on top of the 8 hour day in school. If we signed on for everything we’d be running around non-stop dropping one kid off here and another there while one of us attended one meeting or committee or another.

In order to avoid such a state of living, we have set some loose rules in place for how we want it all to look and feel.

• When asked to be on a board or committee, we never answer right away. We take the question home and discuss and weigh out our commitment to the cause and the sustainability of the decision to join. Is it twice a week at dinner time? Does the committee actually get stuff done or are they just fans of meetings? Does it work for us?
• When invited to a party, again we take it home. Are they a friend or just an acquaintance? Do we EVER play with this person? If we had a party would they be on our list? It may sound crass but honestly I feel that modern day parties are sometimes a mass collection of whoever they can think of to invite. Not necessarily an invite out of a deep connection. Or even a mild connection. Also we ask, what will this look like for the rest of the family? In other words, does it work for us?
• School activities seem to happen on a very regular basis. Fairs, carnivals, dinners out, etc. Sure we’re fans of building community but we have to ask ourselves before we attend, are we up for a public outing? Should we focus that night on building community or building family connection or maybe even on getting more sleep? Are we fit for public consumption or are we too distracted? Too overwhelmed? Too tired? Too disconnected?
• Playdates are a regular request. We have limited these to one or two a week depending on what’s happening at home and school. And we try to schedule them ahead of time just for ease of family structure.
• Weekends are too short and I’ve often said three days would serve family life way better. There’d be a day for family incubation, a day for socializing and a day for chores and errands. But they’re not, they’re only 2 days usually so we guard them very intently. We TRY to make sure that every weekend we have one day with nothing on the schedule. It feels way more spacious to all of us if we have a day to do with what we want: hang in the yard, go for a day trip, get stuff done, etc. It doesn’t ALWAYS work but mostly it does.

I guess the question that dictates most of what we do and dont’ do is “Does it work for us as a family?” That one question alone has a LOT of information in it and we often find great satisfaction in the answers.

Less than two weeks to go before summer comes to an un-official close. School starts back on 8/24 and the start of school means the return to schedules and homework and projects and rigid bedtimes and, ugh, the hardest part of all, alarm clocks ringing at 6:15 a.m. No matter how I try I can never fully wrap my mind around that being a good idea - waking kids up at that unseemly hour.

But alas, we are not there yet! And we’ve got a couple more weeks of sleeping in and lounging, swimming, reading random things, biking for hours on end and doing what we want, when we want.

To make the transition as smooth as possible, we are going to make sure to set some intentions for how we want it to go. We will get all our ducks lined up and our clothing and school supplies and discuss schedules and needs and wants and things that we want to make sure don’t fall by the wayside.

It’s a new world, the end of summer, or at least a new season, and we will make sure to make it a good one! As slowly and intentionally and thoughtfully as we possibly can!