All lifeforms with with a complex nervous system are continuously faced with the same immediate question: What do you do next?

Every second, I make decisions based on an enormous pool of possibilities. Right now, I’m typing this post. Every keystroke represent a decision to continue writing, at the expense of other more tempting options. I could make a cup of coffee, I could take a nap on the couch or I could go for a walk. Just my imagination is limiting the possibilities.

Still, I continue typing, even though nobody is pointing a gun to my head.

The point is, everything I do is a based on a decision between many choices. It isn’t always an easy decision, but it is a decision – and it is my decision.

In any case, I catch myself saying I have to hurry with some things and I don’t have a choice. A few years ago, that was basically how I lived my life. I had to work to make money to pay mortgages and car loans. I had to own a house, as opposed to renting one, because that’s how married couples live, at least here in Norway.

I could have filled this post with all kinds of things I have to do, but you have probably gotten my point already. I suppose at least 75 percent of everything I did on a normal day and 90 percent of how I lived my life, was based on the words I have to – usually followed by a “hurry”. Even though I suffer from chronic fear of numbers, I still think these numbers today are a bit different, probably about 40 and 50 percent respectively, which is a great leap in the right direction. Needless to say, I plan to improve the figures further…

The universal law of having to…

I often hear friends and family talk about responsibilities and duties, and if everyone did what they wanted to do, all the time, the world would collapse into chaos. Then they carry on with a long list of examples, like paying taxes, sending the kids to school, making money, not breaking the law, and so on.

As a scientific theory – some things, a human being just has to do (preferably as soon as possible) – not much scrutiny is needed. If you can find just one example of someone who does not do it, it is not a universal law, is it? I’m sure, if you go through your own list of things you have to do, you will find at least one exception to every point. In addition, you’ll probably see that – when you think about it – not everything needs to be done immediately.

So, if there is no universal law, who decided it applies to you? What are your reasons for doing things that start with I have to, as opposed to I decide to? What will be the consequences from doing it like this? I know it’s a paradox, but I often catch myself using things I have to do as an excuse for things I don’t wish to do. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one thinking like this.

I should probably mention that I don’t think we should stop paying our taxes, sending our kids to school and so on. Also, some things just have to be done fast, and of course we should when necessary. I like to think that I decide to do these things, and nobody’s forcing me. If I choose to do something, I appreciate it even more, and at the same time I take more responsibility. Also, I usually do it at a more sensible pace. I don’t think I’m the only one thinking like this either.

Why do we have to?

Sometimes, I really don’t have a choice, and there is only one option. Is that really true? I think, at least as a general rule, that this statement is more about a lack of imagination than the lack of possibilities.

If anyone, however unlikely, would point a gun at my head and force me to wrap up this post, I would still have a choice. I would probably not like any of the alternatives, but there would still be options to choose from.

Another alternative is of course that I wouldn’t want the responsibility of the consequences of my choices. It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want to publish this post, but I had to. I had a gun pointing to my head – and so I had to hurry to write it…

This of course, is a pretty common thought in the public sector here in Norway, where I have my daily job. It’s quite common to hear employees hide behind rules and procedures. I can’t know for sure of course, but I doubt they have a gun pointing in their direction, even though they sometimes act like they did – often with a sloppy result.

The bottom line is, I think the “have to”-attitude is transferred to us at a very early stage, as a part of our socializing process (or the social control…). It is much easier to follow orders if I’m convinced I have no choice, and the only way to implement it is to do it as quickly as possible.

What can be done?

Of course, there is no reason why you have to do anything about this. But there could be several good reasons for you to want to and choose to do something.

I’m quite sure that what is done based on an energy that is derived of the notion of having a choice, is far more pleasurable than what is done based on the notion of not having a choice. I’m also sure the quality and value of the result is much higher with the latter.

To end this, I think a lot of the violence in the world happens as a result of decisions based on no other alternatives and no options. I’m inclined to believe that if we gave ourselves the opportunity to slow down, and act based on the fact that we all have the chance to reconsider, and most importantly choose, much violence, bullying and distress, could be avoided.

So now I choose to wrap this post up, so that I – in my own pace – can put away the laundry or clean the house. Or maybe I’ll take a nap on the couch. It’s my decision…

These days I’m feeling way behind when it comes to answering all the comments, emails and messages I get. I know for certain that many people think it’s because I’m so bogged down in my book project – “The Big Book About Bullying”, and everything that happens around me. And some people probably think I seem to enjoy it just a little bit too much. Petty is so visible when other people are successful, and this is what I experience now.

Still, I allow myself to be both excited and proud – and sometimes completely absorbed. I am overwhelmed and baffled, but also worried over the fact that I don’t always have the energy to follow everything up, like it deserves. There are no limits to the amount of positive feedback and friendliness around me. I constantly feel the need to pinch myself, just to make sure that this is for real. I’m grateful to have good people around me, who are both happy for me and who help me balance it all through their honest feedback. I’m not going to cover up that over the last few months, I’ve had to take the fight with the “time- and energy thieves” around me, something that has been hard, but necessary.

In the midst of everything nice going on, it is also a fact that I within just a fem months, have had two serious stints with illness, and therefore have been ”ordered” to calm down for a while. As the doctor says, “calm, but as normally as possible.” A paradox for me, who likes to live “a fast life on the edge!” So, to make the best of the situation I in no way intended to happen, I spend my days excercising writing and connecting with people. The most important thing for me is to not end up just laying on the couch, moping about drugs that don’t work the way they should, and about not being as physically active as I like to be. So these days I take aim – from the couch, the yard and the beach – and create meaningful content for these days that still race along.

Almost daily, I get messages from people who care about me, who ask me to take care of myself in the midst of everything. That I need to slow down and listen to the signals my body is sending out. Those are all important reminders for a curly girl, who for the last ten years has been running like I had the devil himself on my heels. And in some ways I have, because I’ve had myself on my heels. I have, through working too much, socializing too much or isolate myself, tried to push and run away from all the discomfort and seriousness, which has affected my life too much. At one point, I didn’t have the energy to run any longer.

The last years, I’ve spent a lot of time taking back the control over how much seriousness and discomfort I will allow into my life. At last I have succeeded. The truth is, I’ve never lived my life more slowly, or have lived better, than I do right now. Along with the slowness, unknown reserves filled with creativity, insight, courage and belief in myself have opened up!

For the first time in my 35-year long life, I can say, with my hand on my heart, that even though I might not have everything, I’m not missing anything either. Even though many things could be different, I’m enjoying these slow days.

The children are on a long and long awaited vacation with their father, and it’s peaceful and quiet in the house. That said, both myself and the cats miss the princesses. The latter are constantly searching their rooms while calling for the girls, and sleep in their beds. And so do I, occasionally. I like just laying there, looking around. It gives me peace of mind to feel that they are near, even though they’re far away.

We’ve had a demanding, yet important, spring together. The children have been surrounded by illness and death, and have not been unaffected by the events. Of course, we could have isolated the children from everything that has happened, leaving them unknowing about the most of it. In a busy schedule, it certainly would have been both energy- and time saving if we had “protected”  them. With the children living half the time with their father, and half the time with me, we could easily have decided when and where they should live at any time, reduced their worries and hurried through the sorrow.

It was definitely with a heavy heart I let my children be a part of what is the hardest things life has to offer. It was tempting to keep them here, and rather distract them with football games and nice trips. But we chose differently. An almost impossible, but still correct, choice. In a conversation, we decided that together, we own the time needed to go through life with the children, including the part of life that hurts and can be brutal.

A few months ago, I was a bit worried about my oldest princess, who rarely goes home to any of her friends after school, and equally rarely brings someone home with her. When I asked her about this, to find out if anything was wrong, I received a thoughtful answer:

Honestly, Mom. I’m with my friends all day at school. I’m with other kids in drama school at night, handball and my dancing. Of all the people in the world, you, who love to be by yourself, have to understand that I like to be alone as well, without any noise and stress? You don’t have to worry, I have friends, but I just don’t want to be with them all the time.

A few weeks ago, when the turbulent spring was about to calm down, I was, as usual, making dinner in a hurry before the children’s soccer practice. The youngest princess was sitting remarkably quiet in the living room, doing her homework. When I looked at her, I saw a sad girl, moping and swearing at her Norwegian books. As I pointed out that she needed to hurry up, so she’d have time to eat before her practice, I noticed that her eyes, which usually sparkle with life, were dull and tired. Suddenly a thought rushed through my head: “Enough already! I don’t want to do this anymore! This is crazy! Why on earth does she have to go to soccer practice today? Why can’t she do her homework after she has rested for a while? It’s time for us to slow down – starting right now!”

I turned around, went into the living room, and told her she could skip the practice if she wanted to, to which she replied: “Can I really do that, Mom?”

After dinner, both the girls disappeared to their rooms, where they played, sang, and were on their laptops. As bedtime came around, the youngest came smiling and said:

“Thank you for letting me stay at home and rest tonight, Mom.”

There are many reasons why one sometimes can feel like a really bad mother, but this comment, more than anything else, explains what I was about to become. A battery operated hen affected by newspapers’, school nurses’, teachers’ and doctors’ constant reminders about today’s children being too inactive, and that we need to be careful about the health dangers affected by this. Children have to work out, socialize, and of course, be as cool as all the other children. If you accomplish all of this, all the time, you’re a good mother.

I’ve decided , slowly of course, to join The Slow Movement and dedicate some of my writing time to help speed up The Slow Revolution.